“Does the human being ever change?
Or must we forever let this pain hold us
Causing a retreat into comfort
and the sound of doors shutting out growth?”
Another note – very much awaited and so very relevant.
Just how did the author know how to craft the message?
Edwin was now reflecting on his new relational state. Girlfriend : Gone. Mother : Dead.
It prompted the insight about how dysfunctional his relationship with the opposite sex was. Leaving him wondering if there was a link between his relationship with women and that with his mother.
But how to find out if there was truth in such a possibility?
After talking with his friends, he decided he would start by trying to see the situation from his mother’s point of view.
Starting with his birth in the 1950s, his mother aged 23. She had just completed her nursing training and was looking forward with joyful expectation to a career in medicine.
And then, with its gentle yet irresistible and unstoppable touch, the blessing of true love visited her. She ended her relationship with her then fiancée and married Edwin’s father, a kind, gentle soul full of a can-do approach to life and in reality a great teacher.
On their honeymoon Edwin was accidentally conceived and caused his mother to fall into a deep despair. Her hopes and dreams for a great career in medicine now lay on the floor like the shards of glass from a beloved, favourite ornament of great sentimental value.
Though outwardly she loved him, her psyche directed its passive aggressive anger at her baby. But Edwin was, like his father, a quiet gentle and highly receptive soul. He soaked up this anger like a sponge, coming to know he was not a worthy human being.
In relationships with women he would start by idolizing the girl, working hard not to be rejected, amazed that she would find him in any way interesting. Then – after the initial flush of excitement had waned – he fell into a complacent comfort zone, taking the relationship for granted, because in reality it did not actually suit him.
And there it was.
All the baby, then a boy, and now a man, wanted was to be…
What a cliché, but no less powerful for all that.
Now he saw how this vortex of need had caught him in its psychic whirlpool and he had been swimming in these spinning waters all his life.
And once again, he could hear the faint echo from one of the previous notes:
© Charles Tolman 2022.