“Does the human being ever change?
Or must we forever let this pain hold us
Causing a retreat into comfort
and the sound of doors shutting out growth?”

Another note – very much awaited and so very relevant.

Just how did the author know how to craft the message?

Edwin was now reflecting on his new relational state. Girlfriend : Gone. Mother : Dead.

It prompted the insight about how dysfunctional his relationship with the opposite sex was. Leaving him wondering if there was a link between his relationship with women and that with his mother.

But how to find out if there was truth in such a possibility?

After talking with his friends, he decided he would start by trying to see the situation from his mother’s point of view.

Starting with his birth in the 1950s, his mother aged 23. She had just completed her nursing training and was looking forward with joyful expectation to a career in medicine.

And then, with its gentle yet irresistible and unstoppable touch, the blessing of true love visited her. She ended her relationship with her then fiancée and married Edwin’s father, a kind, gentle soul full of a can-do approach to life and in reality a great teacher.

On their honeymoon Edwin was accidentally conceived and caused his mother to fall into a deep despair. Her hopes and dreams for a great career in medicine now lay on the floor like the shards of glass from a beloved, favourite ornament of great sentimental value.

Though outwardly she loved him, her psyche directed its passive aggressive anger at her baby. But Edwin was, like his father, a quiet gentle and highly receptive soul. He soaked up this anger like a sponge, coming to know he was not a worthy human being.

In relationships with women he would start by idolizing the girl, working hard not to be rejected, amazed that she would find him in any way interesting. Then – after the initial flush of excitement had waned – he fell into a complacent comfort zone, taking the relationship for granted, because in reality it did not actually suit him.

And there it was.

Rejection.

All the baby, then a boy, and now a man, wanted was to be…

Held.

Loved.

Worthwhile.

What a cliché, but no less powerful for all that.

Now he saw how this vortex of need had caught him in its psychic whirlpool and he had been swimming in these spinning waters all his life.

And once again, he could hear the faint echo from one of the previous notes:

Know Yourself.

© Charles Tolman 2022.

“The look in a lover’s eyes
Mask dropped – no disguise
But is the soul truly awake?
Seeing the other as they really are – with the inevitable scar?

It had been one year since the last note.

Ages.

For Edwin it had been a time of Bliss – capital B – with the girl of the gentle blue eyes and the fondness for Earl Grey tea.

But it all came crashing down. She had now left him, informing him that he had been taking her for granted and she had met this new guy…Blah…Blah…Blah.

She was right. He had fallen into a comfort zone of normality – expecting her to be around.

As he read the note his emotions fell into a dead zone that left him sitting at the bottom of the stairs with tears leaking over his cheeks and falling to dampen his shirt. His mind tried to trace out the exact shape of his sadness and of course the left-brain voice admonished him for being ‘soppy’ as it embarked on the well-worn tirade of ‘Pull yourself together man’.

As if that would do any good.

It was only in a moment of calm reflection that he was able to make sense of the words in the second half of the note.

He realized that the relationship decisions he had made in his life had been just plain wrong for him. They were, in fact, just plain wrong for others too, despite the two-faced, self-mendacious blindingly idiotic stories told by his left-brain self to convince him of their validity.

As he inwardly surveyed the barren aftermath of the violence he had inflicted upon his soul, he realized now just how prolonged the activity of self-destruction had been.

The pit of despair was deep, and it had no ready handholds for climbing out, leaving him to wait for a chance ray of inner sunshine to illuminate his squalid conditions. Getting out was a hard won process, only done by digging steps with the bare figurative hands of his soul and crawling – inch by individual feeling inch – out of his sloth.

The War was still on – and it was still Inner.

He saw how it represented a battle between life and death, no less real for being frequently dismissed because it was Subjective – capital S. The Ultimate Insult.

He could now see that he must keep the ‘Inner Eyes’ of his soul wide open if he was going to survive and stop inflicting more self-harm.

But for now he was just going to have to Cope – capital C.

© Charles Tolman 2014.

“Your world has been Split,
But can you see it as one?
And feel the stream of Wholeness,
Wash the hurt and conflict away.”

Since his visit to his mother, Edwin’s internal war had intensified as though the revelations about her had caused his whole inner world to fall into a deeper chaotic state.

Edwin was falling apart. He could physically feel the Split inside him.

And then another note turned up just at the point when he felt most vulnerable. It was a dull Monday morning – again. Why did so many of these notes turn up on Mondays? He felt awful and crumpled the note in his hands as feelings he thought were under control hit him like a mobile brick wall. He collapsed against the front door and the tears streamed down his face as his defences gave way.

In a quiet inner space he could actually FEEL the imagination of the truth of the words and the tears echoed his sadness about not feeling Whole for many a year. Not since he was a small child.

After a while a loud left-brain voice berated him, telling him that this must STOP!

And then the doorbell rang.

“Hello!” A hand opened the letterbox. “Is anyone there?”

It was a girl’s voice. Edwin mumbled something approaching an apology and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, dried his eyes with the ever present kitchen tissue he always had, and opened the door. “Yes? What do you want?”

“Err. I live across the way and this letter was delivered to my house by mistake.” A pause as she took in his appearance. “Are you alright?”

Edwin found himself looking into a pretty face with blue eyes and blond hair parted in the middle, which faded to brown at the roots. He stood there mute, managing to blurt out the hastily created phrase “Sorry. Just got some bad news. – Family” to cover his awkwardness.

“Oh. Right. Sorry to hear that. I hope everything will be alright. Well – here is your letter. Sorry – it looks like a bill. I’ll be on my way.” And with that she handed the letter to him, turned and started walking away.

Girls – Oh Hell. Or rather, Oh HELP!

He was useless with girls.

The adolescent voices of derision from the past bloomed in his mind like a crowd of paparazzi appearing out of nowhere. He summoned all his courage, fought back, ignoring them and blurted out “Would you like a quick cuppa?”

YES! He had won!

This was the first time he had ever been able to find some words, any words, to try and extend a connection with a girl. She stopped and looked over her shoulder, raising one eyebrow as she considered the offer, checked her watch, then shrugged and smiled saying “Yes, as long as you have Earl Grey.”

Edwin dashed back into the house, ransacked the kitchen and found some old Earl Grey teabags in a black box at the back of the cupboard. He ran back to the front door and almost knocked the girl down in his eagerness to prove that, yes, he had Earl Grey tea, and yes, this would justify her staying.

He invited her in with a lighter heart and in that time honoured English fashion put the kettle on.

© Charles Tolman 2013.

Edwin felt like he was fighting for his sanity. Day by day. Step by step.

His new insight into boundaries seemed to start internally pushing him. He felt he was under psychological attack. Just what the hell was going on?

The next note arrived a month later. A bigger delay than normal as though he was being given time to be stretched further and further. But to where?

“The Threshold has been Crossed.
Outer has become Inner.
The War is now Internal.”

It now seemed that his life was in synchronization with the notes. Or was someone watching him? He looked outside the front door to see if anyone was around. Nothing. No one. It needed a distinct effort of will to stop himself becoming paranoiac.

There were a fair few capital letters in this note.

As. If. Every. Word. Was. Important.

His life was becoming more stressed, but since his conversation with Quentin he was finding a calmer way through the tangle of everyday living. But he felt he was splitting apart, the different parts of himself coming away from each other like the segments of an opened orange.

His thoughts were getting a life of their own, and taking wing. His feelings were swimming all over the place. The only rock in this realm of air and water was his will as he learnt to hold it all together by its strength.

Yet the insights in the notes were now starting to give him a glimpse of another world. One that was calmer, more sane – A shining realm of clear thought – like that moment in the pub with Quentin. His experience was starting to connect with the words from the notes. As though the author had already paced along the same path he was walking. And just occasionally, for a moment at a time, he would connect to the light, as if he had been looking at shadows all his life and was only just starting to truly come home.

A Threshold? It sounded a bit dramatic, but it did feel like he was crossing some internal boundary. And he knew instinctively this was going to get worse and he was going to need all the strength of will he could gather in order to hold himself whole.

An Internal War.

And Edwin was the battlefield.

© Charles Tolman 2012.

“The unconscious path leads to repeating patterns,
until the hard lesson is learnt.
Know Yourself.”

The pressure of the stuff of life on Edwin was building to breaking point.

Then this note turned up on his doorstep.

Great.

Work was getting ever more frenetic. More people asking for more help – same old, same old. He was thankful there had not been any more similar interactions with his boss, probably because he was doing more and more and was only keeping himself together by the sheer power of will. To cap it all he was also having financial difficulties that were making life look darker, bleaker.

The note this time sent his mind into a frenzy of self-doubt. Was he just repeating things? Was he learning anything? Did he really know himself? Perhaps this was to be expected given his introspective nature – he knew that about himself at least. When he confided in his friends, some said that they knew others in the same boat, so it was not just an isolated phenomenon.

Same boat indeed: Up the Creek – Capital C – without a paddle.

He was beginning to see that it was a matter of knowing himself, mainly knowing his limits, and being clear about his boundaries. Once he gained this insight he felt justified in pushing back at people and saying No. He just hoped he didn’t sound like a two year old. Then there was his best friend Quentin. He was as eccentric as his name sounded and, boy, did he have some funny ideas. He said that Edwin needed to do more. At which point Edwin went ballistic.

More! Yes More. Capital M.

Once Edwin had returned to Earth, luckily he had not achieved escape velocity, he managed to calm down from swearing at Quentin and finally ended up sharply berating him for his lack of empathy. As he drew breath, Quentin pointed out that Edwin had to do More Of The Right Things. Activities that gave his self more fulfilment, more energy. He must carve out the time for himself Consciously. Edwin heard Quentin put the capital letter in the sentence.

It was then that Edwin went very very quiet. A mood that stayed with him all the way on the walk home, the previous frenzy of his mind replaced by an ethereal calm. As he walked he calmly breathed in, breathed out, breathed in, breathed out.

The latest note went on the clipboard. This time with more than just the date. At the bottom he annotated it with the following word:

BOUNDARIES.

Capitals.

© Charles Tolman 2012.

The next note arrived a week later:

“As scales fall away from eyes left too long in the dark,
Stunned inaction may be the blind response.
But change will not stop and only the wise will understand.”

The previous day had been Not Good.

Capital N. Capital G.

Edwin had been on the receiving end of a tongue lashing from his boss who clearly knew absolutely nothing about the problems he was daily facing in his job. As the note had intimated, Edwin had indeed just stood there in stunned inactivity allowing the words to roll over him while mumbling something about doing better in future as he left his superior’s office.

As if it was Edwin’s fault.

The company had fired half the work force the previous month thanks to the recession and he was supposed to be grateful to still be in a job. All it meant was that he was stuck with doing twice as much work which didn’t always get done in the way the managers wanted. So much for being indispensable.

This time he did not throw the note away, but made a special place on his pin board for the two notes, and dated when they were received. He pondered whether this was a wise response. One thing he knew was that he didn’t understand.

However he was nothing if not organized.

© Charles Tolman 2012.

Having written already about what I have called Boundary Problems (Home Life, Bringing Work Home) and the multiple issues connected therewith, I decided to try my hand at some fiction to express these wide ranging concepts. To this end I have invented the character of Edwin who gradually awakes to changes in the world around him and journeys, hopefully, from bystander to participant. We will have to see how he does. It will be as much a voyage of discovery for me as it will be for him!

Initially I expect to be able to provide new stories weekly, but I may reduce the frequency depending upon the presence or otherwise of my muses!

I hope you enjoy the stories and let me know what you think.

Anyway, I must get back my story keyboard…

The cryptic note had turned up on Edwin’s doorstep that morning:

“A change unnoticed by most mortals.
A change with silence to mark it’s passing.
A change blown by the zephyrs of time.”

He wondered just who might have sent it. It didn’t sound like hate mail but it was definitely mail he hated.

He hated the sender trying to manipulate him.

He hated people who tried to mess around with his mind so he just threw it in the bin before storming out of the front door to go to work. Work he also hated if he was honest with himself.

Work was just another one of those days, slightly worse than most, where he wondered about the sanity and judgement of those that ran the company. But what the hell, he was just a hired hand so he did as he was told, as long as it paid the mortgage.

But through the morning the contents of the note did indeed mess with his mind. It was as if he was looking at one of those drawings that could be seen two ways and his work was the drawing that, so far, he had only seen one way. The note had shown him another way and he did not like it.

During the busy morning he stopped and looked around at his colleagues and started to wonder if work used to be this frenetic in the old days. He was sure life must have been slower. But if so was there indeed a wind of change that had gone unnoticed?

When he got home he went to the bin and extracted the note, placing it on the kitchen counter and read it again while he prepared his evening meal. He could not stop the words rolling around in his head.

He did not sleep well that night.

© Charles Tolman 2012.